Common Behavioural Patterns
Over the almost 3 decades I have worked in the ‘helping profession’, working as a Counsellor, Consultant and Coach, I have realized that there are certain patterns that reoccur in my work. These patterns especially hold firm when I take my Couples Counselling work into account, as well as the current work I am doing with women through the Revitalized Relationships program, where the goal of that program is to take your relationship (and life!) from just surviving, to thriving.
What are the two patterns I am talking about?
Keep reading!
New Year Update!
Happy 2025 to you!
I hope this first month of the new year finds you well. February is just around the corner now, and here in my corner of the world, we have been enjoying a sunny stretch of weather. Nice to have the sun and cold (as you can see in above pic), as opposed to the rain and cloud. We haven’t had a snowfall yet either, although my son tells me snow is called for next week. We will see if that bears out.
So there has been lots going on in my world since I last wrote you, including decompressing after a busy holiday season, getting back to my regular gym and work routine, the kids getting back into their school and activities routines, and I have entered a NEW phase of my business which is quite exciting! More on that below…
The Absence of These Two Things Can Usually be Found in a Relationship That is Struggling
Often when I have been speaking to a client about what is occurring in their relationship the exchange goes a bit like this.
Me: “So what is the area of least satisfaction in your relationship right now?”
Client: “Well my partner and I are just not getting along. We don’t seem to like each other very much these days and are arguing over every little thing.”
Me: “Can you tell me a bit about a disagreement you had”.
Client: Gives description of recent argument.
Me: I say something along the lines of; “Well did you ask your partner why he did (or said) X,Y,Z?”
Client: “No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to pressure him as he seemed to already be in a bad mood”.
The First Missing Ingredient
What this brief exchange illustrates is the first missing ingredient. The client is NOT asking their partner questions.
Now they may have a good reason for doing this. Faced with direct questions, some partners will get defensive, angry, even shut down and give the silent treatment. So there may be anxiety around going ‘there’, a reluctance to follow up and dig a little deeper with their partner.
Yet, asking questions is essential to a healthy relationship, as without being able to ask questions and receive an answer, the communication is shut down.
If you can’t ask your partner questions around issues integral to your relationship, then that is a problem, but that is a topic for another day. If you would like more information on this, this video on partners who stonewall may be useful to you. (Click below pic for video).
Why I Did Not Ask Questions
Drawing on my own personal history here, I know in some of my past relationships, that the reason why I did not ask questions of my partner, was because I was scared of what their answer might be. However as I have matured and learned, (thanks, in part, to those relationships that did not work out), I know that it is better to get the answer you don’t want to hear (the truth) as opposed to choosing denial and then trying to build something, or continue with something, that may or may not have the legs to last and / or have the capacity to meet your needs.
As all great spiritual traditions say; ‘The truth is the way’.
AND let’s not forget, there is also a right way to go about asking questions, and a not so productive way of asking questions, and you need to know the difference.
So in my experience, often times, the client only needed to ask their partner a couple more questions and they could have got to the heart of the matter, and then from that point, had a constructive discussion about the issue, which then allows them to positively move forward.
As such, in further conversation with the client, I would encourage them to do this, to ask more questions and draft a script to assist them, if need be.
The Second Missing Ingredient
In this same vein, the second missing factor (at times) is a lack of curiosity.
I firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if people were more curious, more interested in finding out about other cultures and countries, about their communities and the neighbours down the street, about their own family members, and yes, their partners.
Take me, for example, back when I was in my twenties and in relationships that I was not feeling secure about. Instead of being anxious about what my boyfriend was, and wasn’t doing, or what he was, or wasn’t saying, it would have been in my best interest to drop the fear and just get curious about what was going on. But back then, I, like many people, took things personally. So if a partner was not that into me, and behaving like he was not that into me, instead of stepping back and getting curious, I became hurt, defensive and all communication was shut down.
So when I saw the guy who had my heart, out strolling with another woman, when I thought we were an item, it would have been healthier to get curious about this, and to not to take it personally, like I was flawed in some way, but to ask him about his behaviour (curiosity!).
If I had had the courage to do that I would have got to the truth pretty quick, and would have saved myself a lot of grief over the long run.
Put Your Scientist Hat On!
Of course all relationships are unique in their own way, with differing things going on, but EVERY relationship, especially those that are ‘on the rocks’ so to speak, will benefit by getting curious, asking questions and not taking things personally. During times of relationship strife, I share with me clients how important it is for them to put on their ‘scientist hat’, to slow things down, get still and then get curious, like a scientist (or detective).
From that perspective questions then being to arise:
-Why is my partner acting this way?
-Why was that so triggering for me?
-Why did he say that?
-Why did she shut me out?
-Why does he think he has the right to do that?
-What is their behaviour saying? (*Remember ALL behaviour is a form of communication).
-Could there be another perspective that I am missing?
Once you are emotionally regulated (feeling calm) and you have a game plan (questions you want to ask) then gently initiate a conversation, get curious and ask your partner what you want to know. You don’t need to react to your partner’s answers, you might even want to take notes (a useful way to help you stay detached).
You don’t need to respond to what they say, or make any great pronouncements, you can just go off and ponder things like a scientist. And if you remain peaceful, and stay connected to your inner wisdom, you will then know what your next step is, and when you need to execute it.
Curiosity and Asking Questions (and not taking things personally) is where it is at!
Next Phase for Revitalized Relationships!
If you follow me on social media you probably saw the video I did the other day where I was grooving to Taylor Swift and wearing my ‘joy jacket’, above pic (that video was a little out of the box for me! lol).
In the video I was sharing my ‘Word of the Year’ for 2025 (JOY), my favourite quote by Martin Luther King Jr. as it was MLK Day in the U.S. (“The moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice”) and showcasing a few new pieces of equipment I ordered for the next phase of my business, including the ‘Blue Yeti’ microphone that I am holding in this picture.
That same day I also made the below video about how joy can shift your relationship in a positive way and how to find the joy if it’s missing.
Revitalized Relationships – What’s Going On
To date, there have been two ‘live’ Revitalized Relationships groups with some wonderful, smart (and humorous!) women participating, and now it is time to digitize the RR program so it can be accessible at all times, from anywhere, and individuals can work on the Modules in a self paced fashion. Of course, there will be ongoing support through our private RR Hub FaceBook group and through weekly Office Hours with me, which will start up again after the program is digitized.
Feedback from the two ‘live’ RR groups has been positive, and new relational intelligence skills and relationship frameworks have been learned. There still was ALOT of content in the autumn RR group, so I will be further streamlining it, and know it will be even better in this 3rd iteration, pared down to the most impactful components and filled with more real – life examples and practical exercises geared towards improving, strengthening and even saving, our most intimate relationship.
Work With Me 1:1?
While I put my new Blue Yeti microphone to use, recording the revamped Revitalized Relationships program, I have availability over the next few months to do some 1:1 work with women who are interested in applying the RR content to help take their relationship from hopeless and disconnected, to peaceful and thriving.
However, I only have availability for two 1:1 clients, so if you are interested, don’t wait to book your complimentary Discovery Call with me to discuss how we would work together to heal your marriage or relationship, which you can do here.
That’s it my friend.
Remember CURIOSITY & QUESTIONS and keep on rocking in the free world! 🙂
xo
Elizabeth
