You probably recall the old saying; ‘When you want to change the world, (or someone else) you first have to start with changing yourself’.
Groan.
Right?
When you are ticked off at a person, maybe your partner or someone at work, or a family member, the last thing you want to hear is; ‘you have to change yourself‘. Yet, it is true. We can’t control whether someone says or does something that we don’t like, but we can control how we respond.
In couples counselling this comes up a lot.
One person in the partnership is exhibiting less than optimal behaviours which could be improved (or their partner perceives the behaviour as less than optimal), yet on the other side of the coin is that the opposing partner’s responses are often less than optimal (or perceived that way by their partner) and also could be improved. If you find yourself in this type of situation and are looking to up-level your relationship (or life) then doing a self assessment is a smart place to start. Speaking of self-assessments, below I share a recent freak out I had, the reflecting I did, and the insights I gained.
My Recent Freak Out
Let me tell you about something that happened between my husband and I a couple of weeks ago. Briefly, he did not tell me (we were communicating over text message as I was out running errands) that he had altered his plans to attend a sporting event with one of our sons on a Saturday afternoon.
No real biggie right?
However, I was out doing said errands and trying to do much in too little time and then get back to the house fast, so our other son would not be left on his own for an extended period (our son has a developmental delay and autism and being alone for big chunks of time can be a challenge for him). I had assumed (you know what they say about assuming things right?!) that my husband and younger son would be out at the scheduled sporting event. I had asked my husband over text message whether he was going to be at home or whether he was still planning on attending the event, but I didn’t get a response.
So after hurrying to get back home and seeing my husband sitting there when I thought he would be out, really irritated me. I launched into – ‘Why didn’t you respond to my text message?‘ (He hadn’t seen it as he was playing bingo with our son) and; ‘Why did you change your plans?’ etc. I have to say I lost my cool big time.
I told him how I was hungry and tired but I didn’t want to stop to eat anything as I thought I had to get back home, and how, if he had told me he wasn’t going out, I wouldn’t have rushed and could have taken my time and gotten a bite to eat and then I would not be bonking (experiencing low blood sugar).
My husband looked quite shocked by the intensity of my reaction, like he wasn’t sure what bad movie scene he had wandered into, and seeing that look on his face made me stop and self-assess.
- Why was I hungry? Because I couldn’t be bothered to eat something before heading out to run errands.
- Why was I tired? Because I had been going to bed later than usual the last few days and hadn’t gotten enough sleep.
- Why was I trying to get all these errands done at one time on a compressed schedule? Because I thought they ‘should’ all get done that day. (*Remember when you use the word ‘should’ you are ‘shoulding‘ all over yourself (or someone else) and passing some sort of judgement that you (or they) have not done enough or done it correctly. Basically ‘shoulding’ is a put down, so if you catch yourself doing it, stop.
All these thoughts raced through my mind and I realized that a lot of what I was feeling (anger) was down to me, and not my husband, and I did end up apologizing to him. I told him that clearly I needed more rest and some kind of break, and great guy that he is, he understood. Then I ate something and went upstairs for a nap. (I focussed on what I could control).
So I started out wanting to change my husband (he *should* be a better communicator when his plans change etc.) and realized I needed to change myself (the way I was going out into the world, tired and hungry and putting undue pressure on myself to ‘get it all done’).
Great learning experience right?
If you want to change things, start with yourself.
Revitalized Relationships – The Focus is On YOU!
(*and new start date April 2, 2024)
Okay so back to you!
If you want to change your partner or your life, then it starts with YOU!
And did you know that for my Revitalized Relationships coaching program for women, that the curriculum focus is on you?
Yes, you!
Over 8 weeks, my program – with its 3 Step Road Map for Transforming Your Relationship & Life, will give you the time and tools you need to further your personal growth, so you can move from just surviving, to ✨thriving✨.
Also, the start date of the program is now Tuesday, April 2nd at 4:30PM (Pacific time) and as such, I’m also extending the Early Bird price through to Friday, March 22nd at 6pm.
For this initial offering, this program is very reasonably priced and what you will get is life changing content – I’m serious! And the next time this program runs it will be at an increased price. So if you are looking for exceptional support (live teaching by me) and research backed principles and techniques to improve your life and relationship(s), now is the time! There are limited spots available so don’t delay. Book your Discovery Call with me to see if the RR program is the right fit for you by clicking on my calendar link below.
*Please note I will be away for a short vacation from March 20th through to the 24th but am back in the office from March 25th.
BOOK YOUR FREE CALL HERE –
https://calendly.com/elizabethritchie/interviewrevitalizedrelationshiponline
On St. Patrick’s Day I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from the Irish philosopher, writer and former priest, John O’Donohue, who sadly, was taken from us far too soon. With his charming Irish brogue and deep whiskey voice, hearing him speak about Celtic spirituality and the mysteries of life always brought a smile to my face and made me feel better about the world.
I hope you have a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day!
